My life, ADD, and Yui Hirasawa

Day 3 of the 12 days of anime

I’m sorry. As I will mention in this post, I have a lot of problems with sleeping, and this resulted in this post coming out quite late. Even if I have one more post in store, I can’t really share that one immediately, because then I don’t really have much buffer going forward. I’ll try to write multiple posts one day so I can catch up again and you’ll get two posts in one day. Either that or I’ll post for one more day. I also have an exam very soon, so I may actually have to go so low as to reuse an older post I made on Kitsu just to make up time. Especially since when I travel back home on Wednesday, I don’t necessarily have much time to write, depending on the situation at home (my mom is going through surgery). Well, at least this post is long enough to count for several days compared to what I usually do.

This is going to be a personal story about me and my favorite character in anime. I tend to shy away from talking too much about myself, so I think it would be a nice challenge to that for once. Let’s do this! Fi-to-! (this turned mostly into my life story, so prepare for a long story. I’ll get to the topic by the end, hopefully, and it strays very far away at times)

ADD And My Middle School Life

Somewhere around seven years ago, if I remember correct, I began a very long process to test whether or not I had Aspergers. If I’m not mistaken, my mother suspected that I had Aspergers, while my teacher thought it was ADD. They decided to do a thorough test to figure out what it was. Fast forward about a year and they figured out that I had both ADD and Tourettes. I wasn’t really aware of what was happening at the time, mostly because they didn’t want me to influence the results, so it was kinda weird to go out of there after so many visits with a diagnosis I only knew about from that one violent kid with ADHD and a friend saying that it meant that you could think of multiple things at once (which isn’t quite what it is. . .). Yes, that was my only knowledge of it so far. I mean, at the time I was diagnosed I was in my eight grade of school, during middle school, a part of my life where I had troubles finding myself. Shortly after being diagnosed I got prescriptions for medicine, to reduce the symptoms, that I used every day to stay focused in school and keep up my grades. I mean, I was considered a smart child at the time by everyone around me, however, my test scores didn’t always reflect that (except for certain subjects). I also remember that in some subjects I got terrible grades simply because I had lost focus and completely mislearned something. This is why, to this day, I still hate history, social studies, and geography.

A few years before I got into middle school I had started playing drums in my own time. I played with my friends and had a terrible drumkit at home that I barely ever touched. I was taught a bit by a teacher that I spent a lot of time with, as I generally didn’t relate that much with kids my own age. I mean, I did have friends that I spent time with both at school and at home, however, I had to go to something that is called SFO (Skolens Fritids Ordning) which according to a Google search is called daycare facilities for schoolchildren in English. Basically, it was a place where people generally stayed until fourth grade, when they started maturing enough that they could make their own slices of bread without adult supervision. I’ve had severe allergies since I was a child, so my parents wouldn’t let me be home alone and I had to be the only child at SFO at my age. (except for one guy with Aspergers that I played with sometimes) That’s why I spent so much time with that adult. Sometimes he would take me to the music room and teach me some drumming. I didn’t really get that good at it and would later replace it with piano instead.

Back to middle school again, I started playing in a band in my spare time. I was the drummer, my best friend played the piano and I don’t remember much of the rest of the people anymore. Basically, we got to borrow locale from the church if we played in meetings. At the time I didn’t really realize it, but these meetings weren’t really about playing our instruments as much as it was another excuse to be with friends doing other stuff than just play games all the time (which is what I did whenever I wasn’t doing school or music). Sometime during the time I was doing all this, the step-dad of my best friend taught me a bit about radio. Before this I had been listening to the radio as I went to school every day, listening to a channel called P5. Basically, at the time they played all the new pop music and just that. So, one day my friend’s step-dad told me that “did you know that the people that get to play their music on the radio are all just men in black suits with suitcases paying a bunch of money so that you will listen and like their music?” Basically, he taught me about the exploitative ways that the pop industry employs to make you like their songs. This lead to a huge shift for me. I went from doing what everyone does to starting to craft my own path. Now I was no longer going to do what is considered popular, I’ll do what I feel like. Or, that’s what I thought. I still needed some more time to actually put that properly to action. Incidentally, the first music I started to listen to with new ears was Coldplay. That’s why I have such a love for them. (little digression, I’m currently listening to Leprous, shoutout to them as I know the bassist in that band and they are great).

The end of middle school is closing in and I’m at a loss at what to do (actually, it was in 9th grade, but the end felt close to me!). We were doing high school visits and I wanted to go visit one school specifically, didn’t matter what course, I just wanted to go to that school because it had a great reputation of being very including. At first, I wanted to go the technology route and become a programmer (did I mention that at the time I was trying to make games in Unity and that I made an interactive demo for a school project?). However, in the end, I decided to go the route of music. I was going to spend the next three years still alongside my best friend who played the piano. Oh, yeah, that’s right. He had started teaching me some piano in the meantime so, by the end of middle school. I could play some basic stuff. I also took drum classes from 8th grade until 10th grade and started with music and computers (composing music digitally) courses around ninth grade. Back on topic. I was going to spend my days with my best friend, however, that’s not how it turned out. I had good enough grades by the end of middle school, so I got in, however, he did not. Instead, he got accepted on a different course on the same high school. He got into drama classes. He was far up on the waiting-line though and did get the offer to change back, however, he declined it as he enjoyed going drama.

 

Starting High School

The years of middle school was now over and I had finally started high school. I could now be whoever I wanted to be. This is what I did. It took me some time though. When I first got in I had the annoying habit of using my cell phone at all times, however, over time I unlearned that habit. I started paying attention to conversations (even though my ADD was interfering with that) and decided to be more social. I met some fantastic people throughout high school that I will never forget, learned a whole lot of stuff about myself and about social interactions. I learned a lot about music, playing drums as my main instrument the first year, piano the second and laptop the last (using a laptop in tandem with a piano/keyboard to make music live).

The last year of high school must be the most challenging year I had been through so far. I was exhausted. I was playing in a musical with a role that gave me a lot of room to experiment and choose what I wanted the character to be. Both I and my best friend actually got the same role in the musical, however, I played it much better than him and he lost the role because the director didn’t want him to play it (just gonna mention, it wasn’t a lack of skill on his side, but poor casting). Well, I don’t know if this caused some scars, I mean, we’re still good friends and all, but I no longer consider him my best friend. My current best friend is a girl I met in high school. If you’re on my Discord server you will know her as Momomoki. She’s an incredibly fun girl that always brings a smile on your mouth. Someone that truly cares about you. She was mostly quite different from my other friend. He was all about pure honesty. If he didn’t like something, he’d say that. If I did something poorly, he would say that. Well, I’ll just say, I’ve learned a lot from that as well, and that’s why I’m generally quite honest and straightforward. Though, I’ve also learned from my other friend, Momo. I still try to keep things with a positive angle, keeping in mind that I’m talking with a human being. I believe in self-improvement, so I’ll criticize anyone and anything (myself more than anything), however, nowadays, I’ll mostly just do it if I know it’s alright, or I’ll focus more on the positives rather than the areas that can improve. At least that’s what I try to do. However, I’ve strayed a bit off.

The last year was a hell for me. There was so much stuff happening, and I couldn’t keep up. I got burnt out by the end. I was a coffee addict because if I didn’t get my coffee in the morning, I’d be completely out of energy all day. I had problems falling asleep, perhaps because of the medication, perhaps for other reasons. I still have troubles with that, even though I’ve long since stopped using the medication. I literally didn’t fall asleep until around 3am to 5am every night, having to get up at around 6am. No wonder why I slept for so long during the weekends. Many of my problems stemmed from ADD, I was tired during the day, but wide awake during the night. I had a really hard time concentrating during school hours, even on medication. I did horrible some subjects, but in others, I did really well. It was clear by the end, what I generally did best at was music classes. I still don’t personally believe that I’m good at music though, but apparently, someone does. I’ll share a link to my published music at the end of this post.

After the musical ended and the last semester started, I was so burned out, I spent most of my time watching anime, hyperfocusing on it. All I could think about was anime. Actually, this reminds me that I have yet to tell the story of how I got into anime. Now that I’m writing my full life story, I’ll just get into that as well.

How I got Into Anime

The story of how I got into anime starts back in middle school again. No, I didn’t start watching anime back then, that didn’t happen until high school, however, I need to start the story there. Remember that guy I mention at the start that had ADHD? Well, sometime in middle school he would shout that My Little Pony was the best show ever and that everyone should watch it. I always thought, “hah, why would I watch a show made for children? That’s stupid!” Well, I didn’t start watching it at the time, however, it was stuck in the back of my mind. After the first year of high school and during the end of my summer vacation I didn’t have much to do. I sat there mostly alone (because I’ve always been an introvert that doesn’t go out much unless I have to). I was at a loss for what to do. Suddenly what he had shouted in middle school popped into my mind and I was like “fuck it. I have nothing to do, so why not try something new.” I found somewhere to watch it online and I was captivated. I was suddenly a fan of My Little Pony. I never participated in the community, however, for a while I was into the show at least. I watched all that was currently out at the time. One time in a physics class, I suddenly saw that the guy next to me had an MLP wallpaper or something. At least I could tell that he was also into it. I now had a friend I could talk about MLP with.

At the time, Momo was living in the UK to study, but she had previously talked about One Piece and nagged me to watch or read that. I still didn’t get into it during that semester, however, my enjoyment of MLP made me get into the furry fandom for a while. (looking through my bookmark history, I had read a tiny bit of Berserk before I knew it was a manga as well). I was into webcomics. I started reading Two Kinds, a great webcomic about a land where there are humans and furries. Basically, it’s really good and tackles racism really well if I remember correctly. It’s a little sexual though. I also started reading the comics by Jay Naylor. He has a lot of great furry comics, both non-sexual and sexual in nature.

Eventually, my time as a furry and my time as MLP fan came to an end. I don’t remember what it was that tipped me over, perhaps it was the nagging that I had to watch Cowboy Bebop by my best friend at the time (which I have yet to do, sorry), perhaps it was the nagging that I had to read One Piece, maybe it was the fact that I had opened myself up and no longer thought that just because I think that it may be for children, doesn’t mean it’s bad. Anyways, I finally decided to read and watch One Piece. And honestly, I didn’t really like the One Piece anime that much. The manga was fine, but the anime was quite slow and boring. But I had decided that if I’m doing this, I’m going all in. Therefore, I watched more anime and grew to enjoy it. I was really into psychological thrillers at the time, so I remember loving Death Note to pieces. Basically, I got into anime during the winter of my 12th year of school. I was probably about 17 or 18 then (maybe I had just turned 18). I was hooked. I also knew there was porn of it, and having just come out of the furry community, I had already been subjected to a lot of hentai. So I was already at a point where I could easily get into shows like To Love-Ru with very ecchi scenes. However, also because I came from the furry community, I’m to this day not fond of censored hentai.

Back on to anime though. I was still not quite into cute girl shows yet. I remember finding School-Live once when I was browsing the psychological tag and gave it a watch as the cover was fascinating. However, I ended up dropping it because it was not at all what I thought it was (huge mistake. If you’re reading this and have yet to watch it, watch the full first episode). Well, over time my obsession with anime grew. I was starting to hyperfocus on it. All I could think about was anime. By the last semester, I was spending almost all my time watching anime. School – eat – anime – sleep – repeat. That was my days. I always made time for some anime. I played fewer and fewer games at the time and watched anime almost all the time. I’ll mention that I spent a lot of time programming, working on Linux and doing 3D art in Blender before I got into anime as well, but I stopped doing that after I got properly into anime.

 

Visual Aesthetics And Cuteness

It took me a while to realize that I had an obsession with visual aesthetics. Actually, I remember saying to my friend about video games, “Graphics doesn’t matter, all that matters is gameplay.” I no longer agree with that statement. I mean, I still agree with what I was actually trying to say with it though. I don’t care about realistic graphics. I care about a visual aesthetic that is fully realized. This goes very much for anime as well. To me, that aesthetic is mostly cuteness. I love things I find cute. Perhaps this somewhat explains why I love K-On so much? The visual aesthetic is clearly made to be cute, and it also satisfies my other obsession with backgrounds. When I watch K-On, I hyperfocus. I go into a world of my own. Suddenly the world around me doesn’t exist anymore. Now all I can see is this world that to me is perfect. I’m there with the girls drinking tea, having fun with my friends. I’m there when we graduate and have to say goodbye to poor little Azunyan. Actually, I watched this as I was about to finish high school as well, so I could very much feel this feeling of emptiness that is left when you’re walking through the school for the last time. Suddenly all the years you’ve spent there is about to end. Three long years in a place where I’ve learned so much, it had shaped who I was in every way possible. I was growing into an adult and was about to embark into a new world, however, still feeling like a child inside with my problems still lingering. With my ADD I would sometimes act completely like a child, even as I grew up. I believe that the medicine worsened the symptoms whenever I forgot to take it as well, or when the effect wore out. My brother annoyed me a lot, however, I must’ve done the same to him as well.

 

Getting Into College

Well, I was now in college, living on my own, with my own kitchen, my own bathroom, my own bedroom (well, I did have a bedroom for myself at home). However, I was also left with this feeling that I was completely alone. It was both freeing and scary at the same time. Now I had the choice to do whatever I wanted at any time. If I wanted to, I could skip school every day. Unlike Yui and the gang, when I got into college, I didn’t have any friends with me. I didn’t have anyone here actually. In a new city, all alone, no one there to go to. I’m also terrible at taking contact with people, which made me feel even more isolated. Luckily I did make some friends early on. On my way to this new place I watched Clannad. Perhaps it was because of the expectations of the future, but I felt Clannad was quite boring. When I had finally moved in on my own I started watching Clannad After Story, and it made a huge impression on me. I cried for several episodes straight. It was probably all the tears from being in uncharted grounds. So much new to learn. I was still taking medication for ADD at the time as well.

The early part of my college life was quite easy actually. The hardest part wasn’t classes, nope it was actually living on my own for the first time, but even that I managed to do well after a while. Actually, I was so far ahead of class that I aced almost all my exams during the first year. Now I’m in my second year of college and am soon having my exams. I don’t think I’ll do as well on these ones, but I still believe I’ll do well enough. (update, I had the written exam already. I cheesed it. It went alright I think. I still have my take-home exam I have to do when I’m done with this post)

I’m currently off medication because the side effects became too strong and I didn’t want to anymore. This means I now suffer even more from procrastination and hyperfocusing. When I’m into something that’s all I can think of. This is why this post has become this long. At this point, it’s just a stream of consciousness, carefully sprinkling in some keywords that will come in handy once I finally get to the subject that started this long tandem. Why I actually relate so much to Yui. (I’m actually hyperfocusing as I’m editing this as well, which is good, or it would never get out!)

 

Yui Hirasawa

There’s an arc where Yui has learned a lot of chords for the music they’re playing. She knows them all and can play a lot of different songs, however, her test scores in school are horrible. She failed a test and has to take it again. She quickly snaps up everything her friends teaches her and aces the test, however, when she is then going to play her guitar, she has forgotten the chords. This is hyperfocus at work. Yes, it sounds very fake, however, for someone with severe ADD, this could most certainly happen. You’re so focused on something that you literally forget that the world exists around you. Have you ever played a game, watched an anime or read a book and then when you look at the clock it’s suddenly 3am? You wonder, where the heck did time go? Well, this is the reality for someone with ADD. I’m currently doing that right now. I’ve been writing this for hours and haven’t been eating. I drank a glass of juice just as I started, but other than that I haven’t even been drinking. I’m so into this that if something disturbs me, I’ll probably not notice it.

Have you noticed how Yui always gets distracted at the mention of cake? That’s also not unrealistic and not just to appeal to a cute fetish. No, to me, I can relate too much to that. If I am doing something and someone says something to me, I’ll completely lose my train of thought and it’ll be almost impossible to get back into it. Actually, I believe I might annoy my friends a lot because of this. If I’m in a conversation and have something I want to say, if I don’t get to say it immediately I’ll most likely forget. I’ll completely lose the conversation and all I can think about is what I’m about to say. It ends up being a huge distraction. This happens to Yui as well and is another reason why I can relate so much to her.

Yui might be looked upon as a lazy bum, however, I can very much relate. If I don’t have anything I’m currently hyperfocusing on, I’ll sit there in frustration and not do anything. I might go eat something tasty, maybe I’ll just scroll endlessly through Kitsu, or I’ll write a frustrated “I have nothing to do” message on my Discord. This makes me relate to Yui’s lazy side, as it’s literally not laziness, it’s actually a struggle we’ve got in everyday life.

And then there’s completely forgetting to do something you had planned to do. I always forget to practice my piano before piano classes, I constantly miss appointments and usually tell the ones involved to send me a message 15 minutes before I have to be there because otherwise, I’ll probably forget. I live in constant fear that I’ll forget something important. I need someone that can sort these things for me. Yui has her sister Ui to do that. That is why her room isn’t constantly a mess, because Ui always cleans it up for her. My room is constantly a mess, then once in a blue moon, I’ll do a proper cleanup. At least I’ve lately been good and done the dishes mostly immediately.

I’m constantly distracted by trivial stuff that happens around me that no one else would notice. Recently I walked to the store with a friend of mine and on the way back I was having an engaging conversation (or, it was mostly monologuing from my side, sorry) and then I saw a bike that stood somewhere with no people in sight and I suddenly stopped, almost mid-sentence, and commented about it, then I lost the thread of the conversation and we came to a halt.

In one episode where Ui pretends to be Yui when she’s sick, suddenly the guitar part is really tight and she plays a lot better, this is in contrast to how Yui always seemed to make careless mistakes (she does this everywhere, not just in music), and could easily have been shrugged off as cute moe fetishism. However, this is something I experience myself as well, so I just can’t look at it as just being “moe inducing.”

(these are of Ui, not Yui)

Actually, what I’ve been trying to say for a while is that people don’t really get her. They see a cute girl acting in a way that on the surface-level is moe, saying that there’s no one acting like that in real life, however, that’s so far from the truth. I’m sitting here and seeing people call it unrealistic and thinking, am I unrealistic? No, I’m not, but why do I then experience the exact same problems that she does? So basically, what I’m saying is that Yui is a girl with ADD, and I find that very interesting as female ADD/ADHD is rarely explored in media.

Actually, there’s a lot of other stuff I haven’t even touched upon, like being impulsive and impatient. Not being able to wait to talk (I did touch a bit upon this) or react and starting conversations at inappropriate times. Like, there’s a lot I could explore, but I think I’ve made my point. Perhaps there’s more behind a person’s life that you didn’t know about, sometimes expressed through actions and not words.

In general, this is why I relate so much to Yui and why she is my favorite character in anime. I tend to call her mai waifu, however, what I mean by that is basically just that I have such an easy time relating to her that she becomes an extension of myself. Actually, Ui should’ve been mai waifu if we’re talking about needs here. I mean, I do need an Ui in my life to look after me.

Some added notes that I couldn’t quite get to fit in:
I think that the characters in K-On can definitely be looked upon in the same light as the characters in Evangelion. There’s more to them than what is on the surface level, and if you go in without looking for more, you might completely miss it.

All the characters could probably be analyzed the same way as I did here, sadly, I lack the knowledge to do that, as I can’t relate to them in the same manner as I can with Yui. Of course, I can still relate to them, but not nearly as much.

Rewatching some episodes also make me realize even more similarities, but I’ll stick to what I’ve written so far.

EDIT: I realized that I forgot to link my music on SoundCloud that I mentioned that I would!